Lost and Found

The fact that we have recently been experiencing particularly difficult, confusing, strange and uncertain times is, of course, old news. Needless to say that COVID-19 has added an extra pinch of turbulence to our already busy lives.

In my mind, there was this image which projected a world that seemed to have come to an (almost) grinding halt due to the pandemic. Life, as we knew it, was somewhat put on hold and, if not completely so, at least it was slowed down and taken off track by unexpected changes that, in all likelihood, evoke different levels of uncertainty, fear, and anger, among other emotions. I thought that it would be interesting to reflect on this situation and its potential implications depending on the ‘stage in life’ we are at and how ‘hard’ this situation ‘hits’ each one of us.

In this regard, as I was watching the pouring rain from my office window on a dark cloudy day, I started mentally reviewing, and iterating, on the impact the actual circumstances are still having on us and how these have affected the way we interact with our internal and external worlds.

Interestingly enough, this triggered a memory from my primary school days (it feels like a century ago…..). I remember that the school had a room called ‘Lost and Found’, a place where the students could go and recover lost items that may have been found by others. The room was filled with myriad things, recent additions as well as long forgotten ones. You would go there and 'immerse’ yourself in this strange-looking and funny-smelling room in the hope of finding whatever it was you were looking for. At the time, it felt almost like an adventure, which was obviously shared with your best friend.

From time to time I find myself thinking about the times when we feel lost, lacking a sense of direction, and questioning everything. Has something similar ever happened to you during confinement, or perhaps are you still feeling like this right now?

I would like to invite you to take a short internal journey to see if you can, or want, to find your own ‘lost and found’ room and start looking at what there is in it. Perhaps something recent, something that has been dragged around for some time now, things that are somehow buried deep inside and are difficult to find and/or those that, for whatever reason, you had not wanted to find until today. This process of introspection will, undeniably, evoke a certain level of anxiety, feelings of excitement, of hope and of loss, all of which are natural occurrences. The 'self’ is getting ready to step out of its comfort zone to explore the unknown in search of 'change', or 'evolution', or 'growth', or 'development'. 

So, what is it that we may have lost and what can be found?

The 'Lost'

What we give up, let go, or sometimes even what is taken away from us in the process, is experienced as a loss. Once we accept the fact that almost everything and every situation is transitory and we allow ourselves to embrace an open state of mind, we can then let the change process flow, thus helping us to move forward. This is the type of dynamic that would permit us to welcome different ways of looking at things or feelings, to let go of old and sometimes dysfunctional ones, and eventually recycle or transform others. In other words, we become an active party to the renewal process. Certainly, different types of losses have different impacts on each one of us but, for the purpose of this article, I will not expand on these.

The 'Found' (hope)

Marcus Aurelius’ view on the paradox of life is that, in times of crises where we eventually confront unavoidable and even necessary situations such as death, pain, conflict or sorrow, these wake us up to force us to become more aware and open to life. For example, have you ever lost a loved one and, in processing the sad experience, engaged in thoughts about the fragility of life and mortality? This state of mind enables us to reflect about our own life in a different way. It is as though we have woken up and relate to our reality in a more connected manner.  

Life is a dynamic flow that never stops. It has an underlying current of hope and growth that motivates us to keep going regardless of how difficult and hard things can become. Hope brings a dimension of strength to our aspirations, encouraging us to take the necessary steps to make them happen. Avoiding engaging in this experience leads us to a state of stagnation. In her book The Ethics of Ambiguity, Simone de Beauvoir refers to the latter saying that '...life is occupied in both perpetuating and surpassing itself and that, if all it does is to maintain itself, then living is only not dying…’.  

Dimensions of existence

Let's go back to our 'lost and found' room. The content of this ‘room’ will depend on our life experiences. There is so much there that coping with all of it can become confusing and overwhelming unless we can manage to bring some order in a more organized and structured fashion. I thought that, in order to understand better this transformative process, it could be helpful to briefly reflect on, and eventually consider Dr. Emmy Van Deurzen's views on the physical, social, psychological, and spiritual dimensions of existence. The author states that the four of them struggle with a constant conflict between two forces, i.e. what we desire versus what we fear. The ability to reconcile these two bring a sense of awareness, acceptance, hope and growth.

You are most likely asking yourself ”how?”. The short answer is to work with each of these dimensions as a framework through which we can view, organize, and experience the contents of our own lost and found room. At this point, I would like you to be very clear in that the idea here is not to compartmentalize the different dimensions but rather to visualize them as separate, though all the while keeping in mind that they are connected as these are constantly affecting each other. 

The physical dimension refers to the relationship with the world around us, from the concrete surroundings such as objects and material possessions to the natural ones, such as ours and others’ bodies, their needs, their fragility, their vulnerability, and mortality. 

The struggle that this dimension presents us with, is the tension between the desire to control or dominate versus the acceptance of the limitations of natural boundaries, for example some types of illnesses and the ailments of old age, among others. Regardless of the fact that we aim at living a long and healthy life, the realization that our situation could change almost overnight and without warning may evoke fear. On the other hand, the acceptance of our limitations may help releasing the tension attached to a particular situation.

The social dimension refers to the way we interact with the ‘public world’. In other words, it relates to the relationship we have with others, how we relate and respond to societal expectations, the cultural environment we are immersed in, the idea of class and race we may belong to.

The struggle this dimension presents is based on the strong need we have to be accepted and to belong versus the fear of rejection and isolation. Today, technology and social media have reshaped the social dimension as it has ‘metamorphosed’ social interaction from a physical/human connection to a digital/virtual one. The feeling of acceptance and belonging is measured by the number of 'likes' and the number of ‘followers'. Unfortunately, much that we try to deny it, these measures only create an illusion, an ephemeral sense of success, fame and/or power which, through a simple ‘click’ can, on a worst-case scenario, also trigger feelings of failure and aloneness. 

The psychological dimension refers to the way we relate to ourselves and our internal world. It takes into consideration the views about our character, our past experiences, and the projections we have relative to our future possibilities.  

The struggle this dimension presents is often experienced in terms of the tension between our personal strengths and weaknesses, and the search for a sense of self and identity.  The third element in this ’conflict’ is called reality (no surprise there, I guess) which may defer from what we think we are as seen through our own perspective. This has the potential to immerse the self into a state of confusion or disintegration.

Finally, the spiritual dimension refers to the relationship between us and something bigger than ourselves, to the unknown, to an ideology or to a philosophical perspective, of how we are connected to something that is beyond our day-to-day routine and life.

It is in this dimension that we find and/or create a sense of meaning and purpose. There are different ways to attain this like, for example, through religion, world views, secular perspectives or even in our own personal way based on our thoughts and beliefs. We are in constant search for something that really matters, that will inspire us to live a more fulfilling life. We want to self-transcend, to contribute to humankind with something valuable.

The struggles this dimension presents are often related to the tension between purpose and absurdity, hope and despair. 

The way forward

Picture yourself in your own lost and found room. Breath and observe. Take your time to check what is there and, if there is something, what do you want to do with it. If and when you identify something of ‘interest’ that needs reviewing and/or that requires to be dealt with and/or rebuilding, then the best course of action would be to associate it with one of the above-mentioned dimensions, place it in the one that it belongs to, and start the process of finding ways to reorganize the feelings in a positive manner and with a positive attitude.

As part of our personal and transformative journey, it is for us to decide what we keep and what we let go, what we recycle or transform. Making use of these dimensions will certainly help us to see and understand which one(s) we might be struggling with, the areas we need to give more attention to, and to work on.

Keeping a balance is always important because this provides a sense of harmony. If we let ourselves get absorbed exclusively in one of the dimensions and neglect the others, then we run the risk of being thrown out of balance and ‘suffer’ the resultant disturbances.

As in every journey we take in life, there are ups and downs, winding roads and obstacles to deal with. However, it is only by facing both positive and negative aspects and reconciling the idea that one does not exist without the other, that we can open a space that generates the energy to move us forward, inspire us to live in a more creative manner and, with tenacity, perhaps live a lesser stressful existence.  

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