The Complex Landscape of Relationships

In this article I would like to take a look at the complex landscape of relationships. And I want to talk about ‘complex landscape ’ and not ‘complex nature ’ simply because the former is determined by a myriad of the external and internal world (feelings included), while the latter feels more limited.

In my view, parent-child relationship plays a significant role in shaping the foundation of who we are. I will therefore put forward some thoughts about the complexities, the strain and the psychological impacts this has on the child, the parents and in the relationship itself.

People often come to counselling looking for ways to navigate changing relationships and connections, especially in present times where we experience a world where technology, social media and constant connectivity are changing how we build, maintain and function within relationships. Can we agree that, in general, the goal of relationships is to form congruent and meaningful connections?

Let’s go back to basics, shall we? I believe that whatever the stage of development is, parent-child relationships are intrinsically complex. This not only impacts but also shapes how a child relates to others throughout life. In order not to cover the whole lifespan, let us reflect on this subject and how it may apply to the child at an older stage, maybe as an adolescent or young adult.

A bit of Background

Due to the complex landscape of relationships, the bond between parents and children is a profound and intricate one that shapes the lives, behaviours and emotional well-being of both parties. However, this connection is not immune to challenges. Unhealthy or broken relationships are susceptible to occur between them and again, likely, to have far-reaching consequences for both parties.

It is difficult to comprehend the fact that sometimes, as painful as it is, 'break-ups' between parents and children can occur. Numerous factors contribute to strained or fractured relationships. Often, such situations are triggered by a combination of different elements that disrupt harmony within the family unit. These can range from abuse and/or domestic violence to relocation (changes of neighbourhood, city or country) and general stress which, if not properly addressed, can lead to a breakdown in communication and emotional bonding.

One primary reason is the lack of effective communication. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations, or insufficient communication skills can result in feelings of neglect, frustration, or resentment, causing a rift in the relationship.

Moreover, conflicting boundaries and expectations can be a significant source of tension that goes against a more autonomous and fulfilling relationship.

A Classic Situation

We all know all too well what it is like to deal with a teenager or young adult who comes to one parent asking permission to do something or go somewhere as a result of the other parent saying 'no'. Classic, isn't it? Not only can this create confusion for the more permissive parent, but it is often the cause of argument and/or frustration in the couple, putting the young person at the centre of the storm. The cause of this is none other than the lack of clarity between the parents in establishing agreements as to 'the rules of the game' and where to 'draw the line'. But this also works both ways since, when confronted with conflicting parental positions, the child will tend to resolve the situation on his or her own, which can be a very difficult and stressful experience.

Without having learned to abide by a clear set of rules, the child will, at a certain point in his puberty, start to rebel and do things as he sees fit, hence adding pressure on the parent-children relations.

Parents and children may have different views on life goals, personal values, etc. Parents’ perspective is based on their own experiences, choices, set pathways, assumptions and cultural norms, whereas children’s tendency is to question and challenge those assumptions by bringing to the fore their own desires on how they want to live their lives, generally rebelling against an externally prescribed or predetermined path (usually coming from the parents).

Further, let’s not forget the impact that various life stressors, such as financial struggles or other family related challenges may have on this already tense situation. This is fertile territory for breakdowns in parent-child relationship communication. When this clash creates a chasm between generations, it most probably leads to a breakdown in trust and understanding.

What Then?

We need to acknowledge the fact that this sort of crisis is a delicate and complex issue particularly since the dynamics of each relationship is unique and therefore cannot be generalised. Of course, depending on the circumstances (the landscape) of this ‘break up’, the result can be either bad or devastating, neutral or healthy for one or both sides. I would like to stress the fact that this is not a game of 'win or lose', and the consequences are traumatic. The intense emotions aroused by this situation must be experienced, processed and integrated into the inner world.

The psychological impacts of strained or broken relationships are profound. For parents, the feelings of guilt, grief, or failure can be overwhelming. A sense of disappointment in the inability to maintain a loving, supportive connection with their children can lead to emotional distress and even mental health issues like depression or anxiety.

The effects on children can be equally significant. They may experience a range of emotions such as anger, loneliness, or a sense of abandonment. The absence of a healthy relationship with parents can affect their self-esteem, leading to behavioural issues, academic struggles, and challenges in forming relationships in their own lives.

These psychological impacts can have long-lasting effects, not only affecting the individuals involved but also future generations. Thus, addressing and repairing these fractured relationships is critical, and the best option, for the well-being of both parents and children.

There is an unspoken assumption or expectation that the desire to mend the relationship is present in both parties. However, sadly, depending on the circumstances, sometimes this is not possible and keeping the distance seems to be the ‘healthier choice’ for one or both parties. In this case, I believe it is extremely important, even advisable, to bring the relationship to a closure the best possible way.

Mending Strained Relationships

I believe that it is of paramount importance to understand that communication lies at the heart of reconciliation between parents and children and that this process involves a multi-faceted approach.

Engaging in open, non-judgmental conversations where both parties can express their feelings, thoughts, and concerns is essential. Say what needs to be said, clearly and explicitly to the other. Listening actively and showing empathy towards each other’s perspective can foster understanding and healing. Active listening and show empathy towards each other's perspectives can foster understanding and healing.

Setting boundaries and realistic expectations is another crucial aspect. Both parents and children need to understand each other’s limitations and respect each other’s needs. Establishing healthy boundaries aids in creating a harmonious relationship built on mutual respect.

Seeking professional help, like family therapy, can also be instrumental in resolving conflicts and improving and/or strengthening communication and relationships. A neutral third party can contribute to contain and help with the discussion, exploring underlying issues that are difficult to address, especially when we are confronted with the complex landscape of human relationships.

Whichever outcome of the relationship’s healing process is, it is essential to acknowledge that this is a rather exhausting process that takes time and effort from both sides. Patience, commitment, and consistency in efforts to rebuild trust and connection are vital.

 

If you are facing difficult situations in intra-familial relationships, do not hesitate to contact me for individual therapy. Together, we can develop the skills necessary to resolve such relationships.