Where do I Belong?

It's been a while since I last published a blog post. The truth is that I am not comfortable with the concept of producing articles on a 'mass' basis. Instead, I tend to make sure that each of my posts, backed by theoretical and ethical frameworks, combines originality with professional expertise. I have often thought about where I belong.

A few weeks ago, while confined at home as per health authorities’ directions on COVID-19, I engaged in a multiple online conversation with a group of young people who have lived an expatriate life for some time now. The focus of the conversation was around the subject of ‘belonging’ and its meaning.

Questions such as where do I belong, what do I belong to, what does home mean and where we anchor our belongings in this world emerged as the common denominator.

After having reflected about the outcome of the conversation, and confronting this against specific aspects of theoretical perspectives relative to this subject, I thought that it would be a good idea to share what I learned.

The concept of ‘belonging’ is broad and complex inasmuch as it brings different theories into a dialogue across multiple disciplines such as religion, sociology, philosophy, psychology and others.

The aim of this article is that of making an attempt to shed some light about the issues or concerns that prompt us to ask these questions and why it is so difficult to get a good grip on how such unresolved matters.

For this article' the purpose, I will look at the subject from the purely psychological point of view through the attachment, identity and connectedness perspectives.

Where do I belong

This specific question deals with concepts of connectedness and attachment. When we ask ourselves this question, we usually associate it with a particular place that we typically call 'home'. This, in turn, links us either to the place where we were born and/or we grew up in, where our family home is and/or where we actually live.

Some would say 'home is where I belong’. The idea of home is more than just a physical location. In fact, it is more about how this makes us feel. For example, it may bring up feelings related to safety, of been accepted or of fitting in which, separately or all together, give us that sense of belonging.

Each of these particular emotional states touches our inner selves at different levels of depth, thus bearing significant weight in the way we experience life.

Let’s stay for a moment with the idea of home. So, the question 'where is home' can be answered in different ways depending on how you experience this particular place. For example, some people say that home is associated with their family unit.

In this case, I believe, they are one step ahead of the rest. Why? Simply because as the family moves from one location to another, home moves with them. Hence, and in principle, we do not leave security elements behind. This makes it easier to go out and about experiencing the world since our secure base travels with us and the process of adapting to a new environment becomes easier. Regardless of the latter, any move inevitably brings along certain losses that will require to be processed.

The Unknown

To other people, home represents a particular location and everything we associate it with, such as important people in our lives, memories, the familiarity of the environment and the rhythm of the town or city among others. All of these elements, so to speak, makes us feel accepted, safe and reassured. As a consequence, whenever we move to another location, we are exposed to the unknown’. This situation frequently triggers high levels of anxiety and discomfort which, of course, hinder our ability to easily adapt to the change. The whole experience may make us feel like 'aliens' or, put differently, that we do not belong to this place.

This situation becomes more complex as we feel that what was left behind was so much better. On the other hand, the fact that we keep thinking about what we lost prevents us to connect with the here and now of the experience. This means that we unconsciously deny ourselves the opportunity to enjoy the wonders of new, diverse experiences which, in most cases, effectively contribute to our personal growth.

An interesting outcome of this experience, where we eventually adapt (and not un-adapt) to the new environment, is the realisation that the idea of home becomes more flexible. In other words, that strong bond we had with what we associated with home can evolve.

During our developmental years, the meaning of home is internalised as a secure base as it represents both a safe haven and a sort of springboard from which we jump to explore and experiment the world. A healthy and secure attachment with the secure base contributes to develop a sense of self that is grounded and balanced.

What do I belong to

In this case, we are dealing with connectedness and identity. Are we talking about a specific physical place, or about the fact that we associate, and connect it with, a combination of other aspects such as geographical location, emotional resonances, attachments, images and/or memories?

At this point of the reflection, I consider that it is important to review some theoretical concepts, so that we can better understand the underlying processes involved.

There is no denying the fact that we are mammals and that we are socially bonded. This means that, from the day we are born until our last breath on this earth, our neural architecture, emotional lives, and interpersonal experiences and dynamics are shaped by the need to connect with other people, customs and the environment. From day one, the process of connection functions as an exchange between the external and internal worlds.

The Emotional Map

This is a basic unconscious process that involves the internalisation of an experience, as we relate with the environment. The ‘material’ that is internalised and integrated to self, will become part of our make-up as individuals. This becomes a sort of a blueprint to understand relationships and experiences, and at the same time it shapes the way in which we interact with the world.

We are 'hard-wired' or programmed to develop emotional bonds that create and strengthen relationships with other people, objects and/or places. These connections are essential to our existence. At

The following are some of them very relevant in the process of inner development, which, being so deep, are interwoven in the complexity of the 'self'.

If I had to describe John Bowlby's Attachment Theory in a grossly oversimplified way, I would say that he argues that relationships are the basis of developmental theory of personality, which integrates external and internal realities through relational dynamics.

Attachment, connectedness, identity and belonging.....

In order to illustrate the above, let’s take some examples such as the physiological, cognitive, emotional and psychological systems. These separate, yet interconnected systems, are continually working within ourselves, together, as a machine, bringing us to life. Therefore, when one system is out of rhythm, the others are impacted in one way or another. For example, I am pretty sure that, whenever you experience high levels of anxiety, your stomach churns or you get a bad headache.

Systems and Processes

Let us go a little deeper into this concept and consider the existence of two additional systems as part of this machine. The first system, which we will call A, actively works with processes such as attachment, connection, identity and belonging. The second system, which we will call B, is the one tasked with using perceptions, feelings, thoughts, actions and narratives.

There are two levels of activity. One relates to the interaction between processes residing within each system. The other is related to the fact that the systems A and B communicate seamlessly with each other. It is through the interaction between these systems that we make sense of, and find, meaning to the experiences we have in life. In doing so, we construct an inner narrative or a life story to tell ourselves, that constrain our choices and actions and sometimes even reinforce the very things about ourselves we already believe in, becoming then, the pillar of our identity.

Although the identity process can be understood in many different ways, I must admit that Oliver Sacks' perspective is the one I feel most comfortable with. It could be summarised as follows:

Each of us has a life-story, an inner narrative whose continuity and sense defines our lives. In a way, each of us constructs and live our own narrative, one upon which our identities are based. This narrative is constructed continually, unconsciously, by, and through our perceptions, our feelings, our thoughts, our actions and, not least, our discourse and our spoken narrations.

Biologically, physiologically, we are not so different from each other. Historically, as narrative, each one of us is unique.

Oliver Sacks adds that "a man needs such a narrative, a continuous internal narrative, to maintain his identity, his being".

So, back to belonging.....

If you think about it, you can probably make a parallel between the strands in a skein of wool, with attachment, connectedness, belonging and identity, in which all the strands are interwoven in the tapestry of self. As we get more and more aware of these internal processes, we are understanding ourselves as psychological beings, been in constant search of who we are in relation to ourselves and the external world, and how we belong to it. The latter has been associated by my clients to family unit, the relationship with a partner, a group of people, jobs, home, to themselves etc.

Whichever the way each of us experience a sense of belonging, this makes us feel secure, acknowledged, valued and emotionally balanced. All of this promotes the development of a grounded and integrated sense of self that copes with, the chaotic aspects of life and is able to organise them into coherent experiences which provide a stable, healthy and balanced platform from which life is experienced as a magnificent journey.